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 Jokes! (I stole, haha!)

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Ken T



Posts : 69
Join date : 2011-06-07
Age : 23
Location : Island of Cebu, Philippines

PostSubject: Jokes! (I stole, haha!)   Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:48 am

Santa, A homeless old man, The Easter Bunny, An honest Lawyer and The tooth Fairy.
Which is the odd one out?

The homeless old man, all the others are mythical beings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more joke about the are legal friends

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he asked his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," replied the poor man. "So we have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But I have a wife and two children. They are over there underneath that tree."

"That's fine," replies the lawyer. "Bring them along too."

Turning to the other poor man he stated. "You can come with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, said, "But I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Don't worry about it," The lawyer replies casually. "You can bring them along as well."

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even the large limo wasn't quite big enough.

Once underway one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied. "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is nearly a foot high!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two jews walk past a church and see a big sign on the door: "Convert today, get 200$". So they decide that one of them will check it out. He goes in and comes out about 15 minutes later.

So the one who stayed outside asks "Ok, so what happened?"

"Well, this guy sprinkled some water on me, said some stuff in latin and then told me I was a christian."

"Yeah... but what about the 200$?"

So the converted one gives him a look of disgust "You jews... it's all about the money with you, isn't it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Scotishman, an Irishman and an English man are lost on an island then they come accross a tribe and the tribe leader tells them to go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of a type of fruit of their choice.

So they all go out into the Jungle and the Scottish man comes back with 10 apples, then the tribe leader says that the Scottish man has to stick all 10 up his arse without making a sound, he gets to the 6th apple but then screams out in pain so the tribe kills him and eats him.
Then the English man comes back with 10 cherrys, they tell him to put them up his arse, he was on the 9th one and going fine but then burst out laughing.

Why was this?

Then the Scottish man and the English man are talking in heaven, "Why did you burst out laughing?" asks the Scottish man.

"Because i saw the Irishman coming back with 10 pineapples." Replied the English man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwhich, when the panda has finished eating he pulls out a gun and shoots the barman then runs away. When the Police catch up with the panda they ask "why did you do that?" the panda tells them to look him up in the dictionary so they do and it says " Panda: eats shoots and leaves".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one is a bit drastic, and requires you use an oral, yet non-verbal sound at one point, still I'll try to tell it here.

So, mummy's gone for an all-women party with her friends, while daddy's at home, where he can finally watch his football games in peace and quite. The only problem is, he's left with their child, a 5 year old kiddo, to look after.

So, he pulls an old vinyl record with a story about Red Little Riding Hood out of the attic, along with the device you use to play such records (don't know what's its name). So, he powers the device, plugs in the headphones, and puts the record with the fairy late on it. It starts to rotate, he puts on the needle, which, after some while, catches the "path" in the vinyl. He hands the headphones to the child and leaves the room, happy with his idea.

He opens a beer and turns on the TV. The situation isn't good, Poland loses with Equador, in pathetic style. Still, he doesn't lose his hope. 45 minutes pass. A break in the game is announced, so he get's off the sofa, and approches the room he left the child in. As he's getting close to the door, he notices a strange sound, like a *thud*. He opens the door and sees the child manically banging his head against the blood drenched wall, desparately shouting "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!". Confused and in terror, he grabs the child, takes the headphones and puts them on his own ears.

"Good evening, my child. Would you like to listen to a nice story?<bzzzzzzzzt> Would you like to listen to a nice story? <bzzzzzzzt> Would you like to..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Divorce on 9-11


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy enters a french restaurant.
he asks the barman:
-Do you have frogs legs?
-Yes-says the barman.
-Well no wonder you walk funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A horse walks into a bar. The bar man asks, "So why the long face?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ace "The Stack" Rimmer, Chuck Norris and Tony Blair wash up on a desert island after a plane crash. A cannibal comes up to them and says, "If your combined penis length can equal or beat mine, I'll give you this rowing boat to make your bid for freedom. If not however, I will eat you all.
They agree and the cannibal wops out his schlong. It is HUGE, seriously massive. 20 inches of man-meat.
Ace gets down to business and unzips his flies. It comes in at a very impressive ten inches, and they behing to feel confident.
Chuck Norris gets out his trouser snake which is also impressive, 9 inches long. They are all feeling very confident now.

Tony Blair fiddles about nervously and pulls his maggot out - 1 inch long, embarassing, but they are free.

As they row away from the island, Ace "The Stack" tells the others that they're damned lucky his penis is ten inches. Chuck Norris follows suit, saying how important it was for them he has a nine-incher.
Tony Blair pipes up, "Well you guys should be glad I had an erection!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So the head of McDonalds goes to the Pope and says, "I'll give you ten million dollars if you change just one word in the Lord's Prayer".

The Pope enquires as to what word that might be.

The head of McDonalds explains that he would like the Pope to ensure that when reciting the Lord's Prayer, instead of people saying "...give us this day our daily bread", they say "...give us this day our daily hamburger".

The Pope considers it, and says eventually, "I cannot change the words of the Lord's Prayer."

The head of McDonalds replies quickly, "OK, 50 million"

The Pope ponders briefly and says, "Let me put it to my Cardinals."

He calls his Cardinals together and says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I've just got the Church 50 million dollars!" The Cardinals clap and cheer, and once they have finished celebrating, the Pope says, "The bad news is, we've had to cancel our contract with Hovis."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stole them all! Twisted Evil
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Allete

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Join date : 2011-05-30
Age : 23
Location : Metro Manila, PH

PostSubject: Steve and my signature   Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:38 pm

Ken T wrote:

A Scotishman, an Irishman and an English man are lost on an island then they come accross a tribe and the tribe leader tells them to go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of a type of fruit of their choice.

So they all go out into the Jungle and the Scottish man comes back with 10 apples, then the tribe leader says that the Scottish man has to stick all 10 up his arse without making a sound, he gets to the 6th apple but then screams out in pain so the tribe kills him and eats him.
Then the English man comes back with 10 cherrys, they tell him to put them up his arse, he was on the 9th one and going fine but then burst out laughing.

Why was this?

Then the Scottish man and the English man are talking in heaven, "Why did you burst out laughing?" asks the Scottish man.

"Because i saw the Irishman coming back with 10 pineapples." Replied the English man.

OMG, why is Steve there? Twisted Evil
My signature is a joke in itself. king
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Mina
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes! (I stole, haha!)   Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:57 pm

Hey guys, read the news about the tropical storm in Philippines. Everyone ok?
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Allete

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PostSubject: In the Forum Where the Filipinos are   Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:02 pm

@Dani: Just arrived here in Laguna earlier. Everything's fine here, the rain's just a drizzle. Manila's a bit wet but that's expected. Can't say it's true for Mindanao, Illigan City was flooded with over 200 dead. May they rest in peace. Sad
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Ken T



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Join date : 2011-06-07
Age : 23
Location : Island of Cebu, Philippines

PostSubject: Re: Jokes! (I stole, haha!)   Sun Dec 18, 2011 9:23 pm

Mina wrote:
Hey guys, read the news about the tropical storm in Philippines. Everyone ok?

There are some floodings in different parts of Visayas. Typhoon moved around, so destruction was distributed to many places. Firsthand account from a relative said that it was their first time seeing a refrigerator floating around.
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Cadalbolg

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes! (I stole, haha!)   Sun Dec 18, 2011 11:05 pm

And if you notice that place never got into a storm... until now... perhaps because Philippines is now nudged 3 degrees away from the equator (note the closer the place to the equator the more rainier (and hotter) but very less stormy the place is)
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Mina
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes! (I stole, haha!)   Mon Dec 19, 2011 12:05 pm

Well, I'm glad the both of you are fine and I feel really sorry for those poor families Sad

Anyway, take care of yourselves, ok?
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Allete

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PostSubject: Yes Master!   Mon Dec 19, 2011 2:11 pm

Will do Boss! king
And have a great christmas santa, I hope your loosening up before classes start again. Too much stress ain't good for the body.
cherry cherry<——Mistletoe!! First two to post a reply after me will have to post a picture of them kissing someone.
And did you guys see my hidden message? king
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